Controlling people often strain their connections by dominating romantic relationships, friendships, and other social settings to get what they want. Interacting and engaging with controlling individuals can often be draining and harmful to your mental health. 

In relationships, subtle signs of control can manifest in various ways. It could be a partner constantly monitoring your whereabouts, questioning your every move, or isolating you from friends and family.  

Gradually, the dominating partner gains control, and you find yourself tiptoeing around their expectations and demands. This gradual shift in power dynamics can lead to more severe forms of abuse, such as physical or emotional harm. 

This article highlights various signs of controlling behaviour in a relationship and how they compare to healthier relationships. 

Types of Controlling Behaviours 

Quick to Criticize 

This may appear as someone who continually sees something wrong with other people and is ready to criticize them. They frequently adopt a pessimistic and judgmental attitude, emphasizing flaws and never recognizing good things. This type of behaviour can be harmful to both the people receiving criticism and the critics themselves since it can foster a hostile environment.  

It’s crucial to keep in mind that while constructive criticism is helpful, being too critical without providing support or encouragement just serves to undermine others. 

Guilt Tripping  

This can look like placing excessive blame or manipulating the victim to make them feel guilty for their actions or decisions. It often involves emotional blackmail, where the controlling individual uses tactics such as exaggerated sighs, tears, or “the silent treatment” to make the other person feel responsible for their unhappiness.  

Examples of guilt tripping include making someone feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs and desires over another person’s or using phrases like “if you really loved me, you would do this for me.”  

By playing on a person’s guilt, the controlling individual hopes to get their way in any given situation. 

Gaslighting  

Gaslighting can involve the manipulator denying or twisting events or dismissing the victim’s feelings and emotions, making them feel invalidated and powerless. The manipulator distorts the reality of the victim’s experiences, making them doubt their own perceptions and sanity. 

Intimidation  

Intimidation is a key strategy to maintain dominance and control in a relationship. Common tactics include yelling, or making threats to control the victim. A controlling individual may also threaten a victim’s safety and use physical intimidation like slamming doors and punching walls to instill fear. 

Possessive  

Possessive behaviours involve the constant need to monitor and dictate the victim’s actions and choices. The possessive partner may isolate their significant other from friends and family, demanding all their attention and time. They may also exhibit aggressive behaviour when their partner interacts with anyone else, acting possessive over their time and affection.  

Ultimately, possessiveness in a controlling relationship is a violation of personal boundaries and autonomy. 

Is Controlling Behaviour Healthy in a Relationship? 

A controlling partner’s behaviour seeks to turn the imaginary into reality; they aim to lessen their own anxiety by eliminating any uncertainty and doubt in the relationship. Past trauma, which is based on fear or anxiety from previous experiences, may also contribute to the need for control. This may take the form of employing strategies like criticism, threats, humiliation, and isolation. To maintain their perceived control, controlling people strive to blame others and manipulate events. 

Controlling behaviour may make someone feel like they have no autonomy or independence. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and a loss of self-esteem, and it can chip away at their self-confidence and make them doubt their own abilities and decisions.  

Relationships that become dependent on one party’s desire to exert complete (or nearly complete) control over the behaviour of the other are not considered healthy. In extreme cases, it can even result in emotional or psychological abuse, leaving the person feeling trapped and powerless. 

This imbalance of power can lead to negative consequences including the dominant party often manipulating and dictating the actions and choices of the other, making the victim feel a complete loss of individuality and personal autonomy.   

It is crucial that we learn to recognize and address these unhealthy dynamics to have truly healthy and balanced relationships and break the cycle of violence. 

A Caring Relationship  

A healthy partner is someone who respects and values their significant other’s independence and individuality.  

They understand the importance of maintaining separate identities and encourage their partner to pursue their own interests and relationships outside of the partnership.  

A healthy partner is supportive and trusting, allowing their significant other to make their own choices and decisions without feeling the need to control or monitor their every move.  

Ultimately, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and the freedom to be oneself. 

To learn more visit: 
Cycle of Domestic Violence – Nisa Homes 
Types of Abuse – Nisa Homes 
What is a Healthy Relationship – Assaulted Women’s Helpline (awhl.org) 

Safety Tips and Resources for Women Across Canada – Nisa Homes 

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