Domestic violence – a pattern of abusive behaviour where one partner tries to gain or maintain power or control over another in their relationship – occurs within all age ranges, economic levels, religious groups, and ethnic backgrounds. Most of the time, domestic violence occurs in stages or cycles, where the abuser’s actions between each stage make it difficult to seek help.
At Nisa Homes, we see many women who have a difficult time recognizing that they were faced with a repetitive cycle of abuse, as abusers will often use various tactics to maintain control, including isolation, threats, and humiliation, as well as blame the victim or make the victim feel as if they are the only one that can help them.
In order to help more women recognize and break the cycle of domestic violence, understanding and recognizing the four stages in the cycle is crucial.
Stage 1: Building Tension
In the first stage, tension in the home starts to rise, which is usually associated with some form of stress that is causing the abuser to feel powerless. The stressor could be one of many things, like work, money, or bills. Feeling powerless causes the abuser to lash out verbally towards their partner, who in turn tries to placate them and tries to anticipate their every need. More often than not, the tension becomes similar to “walking on eggshells”, where the victim feels they must do anything they can to please the abuser and avoid their anger.
Stage 2: Incident
The build up of tension leads to extreme acts of verbal, physical or sexual attacks which are often followed up with excessive anger and threats.
The abuse is always intentional and a way for the abuser to gain power over the other individual.
Stage 3: Reconciliation
The abuser’s defense mechanism leads them to justify and “apologize” for their action, turning any blame away from themselves, and instead blaming others or the situation. The abuser will often try to explain what happened and minimize the violence that occurred, and the victim will begin to accept the abusers false interpretation. Abusers often follow up with acts of love or false promises to be better in order to regain the trust of the victim.
Stage 4: Calm
This stage is also known as the “honeymoon” stage, where the incident is forgotten or ignored. Both the abuser and the victim live in denial in order to make their relationship work. However, since none of the actual problems are addressed, the cycle of abuse will continue.
It’s important to keep in mind that sometimes these behaviours will appear gradually over time, which can make it very difficult to recognize the cycle of abuse. If you or someone you know may be experiencing this pattern, know that the first step in breaking the cycle and getting the help you need, is simply recognizing that your situation may be abusive and reaching out for help.
Abuse is never okay, because everyone deserves to feel safe, respected and valued.
